but i am le tired

Today, I am le tired. I am running at a break neck speed to send birthday cards on time, and keep clean underwear, book hotels, buy gifts, and feed myself. I'm struggling to find time to shave my legs properly. I have incurred between 3-5 new scars on my already beaten up legs in the past 6 weeks because I'm in too big of a hurry to not injure myself.

I'm sort of horrified at the amount of time I spend running errands. To be a normal, functioning, responsible adult-I need to spend hours paying bills, taking back AT&T equipment, dealing with noisy neighbors, getting my hair cut, buying groceries, etc. It takes a lot of maintenance just to be socially acceptable.

If I had to guess, I'd say only 6-10 hours a week is spent doing things I actually WANT to do or things that I am excited about doing. How did I let this happen? I know how. I have the worst sense of obligation to people and things that give me little return on my investment. I need to work on it.

So, I'll only be dealing with the varsity players from here on out. No junior varsity level need apply.

Also, for those of you who don't get the le tired reference, click here:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end

Ready? Break!

i don't know, i'm not ready

During my Big Brothers Big Sisters training lots of experienced "Bigs" said they got more out of their volunteer work than they gave. I didn't believe it. I still don't, being a Big Sister (a good one) is a lot of f'ing work. It takes up a lot of brain space.

Today, it took all of my brainspace for an hour. My little asked me very pointed questions about sex, life, love, drugs, abortion, and dealing with these choices. I answered them honestly, nervously, and with the perspective that what I said could shape her life. Pretty intense stuff on only one cup of coffee.

My favorite question was "How do you know you are in love?" My immediate thought was " I have no f'ing clue. " Then words started spilling out of my mouth. They came from a place I didn't really know that I had. A place that was far away from my everyday. A place that was partly little girl fantasy, partly grown up optimism, and mostly Alix style realism.

She asked "What makes a good relationship?" And more words fell out. She was paying attention and thinking and comparing. I could see it all over her face. She heard the truth. All the ugly/beautiful truth. She heard that relationships (romantic or otherwise) are WORK, are selfless, and selfish. And she understood.

So did I. Someone asking you questions you forget to ask yourself is interesting. It's when what you want for people you care about comes out even if you've forgotten to want those things for yourself.

I'm not ready to be a parent. Her asking me hard questions made me so sweaty I had to put my underarm directly in front of the A/C vent in my car. Her directness made me scared to answer questions that there are no answers for.

She thanked me over and over. She said she felt so much better and that I had been really helpful.

All she needed was the truth. And the truth is: I don't know for sure but this is what I think.

full circle

I remember sitting in an Italian apartment with some guy from Colorado talking about his ex-girlfriend. Let's just say that he always prefaced her name with the word 'crazy'. 4 years later, this guy is now marrying this girl. This 'crazy' girl. Now, I'd bet, I'm the one with crazy in front of her name.

People change. So do priorties and circumstances. Thank goodness.

im excited

Yesterday, Mobile Loaves and Fishes rolled out a new fundraising and marketing campaign. Mobile Loaves and Fishes is a homeless support non-profit in Austin. What's the big deal?

The big deal is that it affirmed my future. This campaign is so well done, so professional, so moving, and so fully integrated that it made me 100% sure of my decision to attend Advertising Graduate School in the Fall. It make me 100% sure that work I want to do is not only possible it is attainable in my own city.

Here are links to peruse:
http://www.iamheremlf.org/

http://www.iamheremlf.org/the-project/how-it-happened/

http://issuu.com/octobercustompublishing/docs/12baskets_magazine_april2010?viewMode=magazine&mode=embed (this is the best digital magazine I've ever seen)

http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/charity/entries/2010/04/27/danny_and_alan_living_on_a_bil.html?cxntfid=blogs_charity_chat


So, what makes these materials so effective? Is it the gorgeous portrait photography? The muscular, moving prose? Is it Alan and Danny sitting on a billboard on I-35? It's all of these things put together. Put together in a way that makes people feel responsible, a little ashamed, a little shocked, and absolutely empowered.

I can't wait to get started. Having direction is so gratifying. Finally!

epiphany at Chevron

Last night I was filling up my gas tank, sitting in my car, and watching a homeless man standing by the convience store entrance. This particular homeless fellow looks really homeless. He is super tan, has a matted beard, really ill-fitting (probably because he is so skinny) and soiled clothes. His face looks like he is 100 years old when he might only be 50. I never question his status as a desperate and downtrodden man like I do some of the clean-cut, overweight beggars.

This particular man has asked me for change on several occasions. I have never obliged. Not once. I don't necessarily believe in supplying folks with a couple of dollars to get them through today. I believe in giving people the tools to dig themselves out of even the deepest holes, which, I can't do as I race past him downtown.

I watched this man reach into the trash can and pull out a Wendy's bag. He went through the bag, carefully unfolding the wadded up burger packaging and found nothing. I watched him squeeze the remnants of ketchup from two spent ketchup packages into his mouth. He scraped those packages with his teeth like he was eating an artichoke with lemon and butter.

As a lady approached the convience store entrance he looked ashamed and quickly tried to hide his found treasure in the trashcan, never taking his hands off it. When she was out of sight, he brought it out again and continued digging.

About this time, a car rolls up and is either broken down or out of gas. The homeless man looks up and sees this car about to roll backwards into a post. He waves his hands, drops his Wendy's bag and runs over to this car. He helps the driver of the car (who was wearing an Ed Hardy shirt) push the car out of harms way and into a parking space.

Now, I immeditely assumed that he would ask for money for his deed. He did not. He just smiled the most beautiful, sincere smile and walked away.

I watched LIFE on Discovery on Sunday. This was the episode with the chimpanzees. In a particulary moving scene, one chimpanzee lends his tool for craking nuts to a fellow chimp who doesn't have one. Chimpanzees not only comprehend sharing, they can be kind. I thought this was so sweet and so wonderful and blah blah. But, sitting my car last night I was not as kind as a chimpanzee.

This homeless man can not help himself but he can help others. He may be eating leftover kethcup under the ugly flourescent lights of a Chevron but he was proud to help someone. There are few moments that make you think of the universe differently and, for me, this was one of them.

I will try to be as kind as that chimpanzee. I will try and be as kind as that man who has nothing but kindness to give.

cleanliness is godliness

I equate a good dentist check up to being a good person. I feel a personal responsibility each night and every morning to Dr. Meeks. One of my top 5 worst nightmares would be for him to think I wasn't doing due diligence in my dental hygiene routine.

I had my 6 month check up today. It was my best check up EVER. No cavaties, no calculus (the gross hard stuff), and minimal plaque. Also, the hygienest said I was funny, which is a huge win for me.

Dr. Meeks said I had gorgeous teeth to match my gorgeous face. I'm aware he was bullshitting me. Regardless, I don't think I've ever been so pleased with myself. I think going to the dentist affirms (or denies) my ability to be a responsible adult human. Dr. Meeks sees me twice a year and I'm always at the top of my game when he does. He doesn't know that I stayed up until 3 am watching Lockup Raw and didn't get my work done. He doesn't know that I didn't work out last week. He doesn't know that I'm dreading going to work. He doesn't know that I am falling behind on personal obligations. He doesn't know that I am questioning whether or not I will ever be sure of anything.

He always sees me and my teeth at their best. And that's why I love going to the dentist. I can hide all the real stuff and just be praised for doing my due diligence. Which is all I really want anyway.

Is this insane? Probably. And I don't care.

thank heavens

I've been thinking a lot lately about gratitude. I don't necessarily mean the 'leap out of bed in the morning and thank God you are alive" kind of gratitude. I mean more like the "this taco is really good and I'm grateful" or the "no one sent me a rude email today and I'm grateful" kind of gratitude. So, even though it's not Thanksgiving, I thought I'd make a short list of everyday things that I am grateful for.

• Good coffee and cold half and half every morning
• A computer that works
• Being accepted into graduate school
• Having a car that is nice
• Having friends, colleagues, and family that are encouraging
• Not being married to the first idiot that came along
• Not having babies, yet
• Crushed ice at Sonic
• Tiger's Blood sno cones with cream
• The found ability to say what I mean to people, even if it hurts their feelings
• New apartment complete with courtyard and serenity fountain

So, these things are mostly lame. But, I've decided that loving and appreciating little things about where you are right now is important. I've decided that every day you wake up your life is a little more complex, a little more involved, than it was the day before. It will never be like it is right now again.

Enjoy.