i don't know, i'm not ready

During my Big Brothers Big Sisters training lots of experienced "Bigs" said they got more out of their volunteer work than they gave. I didn't believe it. I still don't, being a Big Sister (a good one) is a lot of f'ing work. It takes up a lot of brain space.

Today, it took all of my brainspace for an hour. My little asked me very pointed questions about sex, life, love, drugs, abortion, and dealing with these choices. I answered them honestly, nervously, and with the perspective that what I said could shape her life. Pretty intense stuff on only one cup of coffee.

My favorite question was "How do you know you are in love?" My immediate thought was " I have no f'ing clue. " Then words started spilling out of my mouth. They came from a place I didn't really know that I had. A place that was far away from my everyday. A place that was partly little girl fantasy, partly grown up optimism, and mostly Alix style realism.

She asked "What makes a good relationship?" And more words fell out. She was paying attention and thinking and comparing. I could see it all over her face. She heard the truth. All the ugly/beautiful truth. She heard that relationships (romantic or otherwise) are WORK, are selfless, and selfish. And she understood.

So did I. Someone asking you questions you forget to ask yourself is interesting. It's when what you want for people you care about comes out even if you've forgotten to want those things for yourself.

I'm not ready to be a parent. Her asking me hard questions made me so sweaty I had to put my underarm directly in front of the A/C vent in my car. Her directness made me scared to answer questions that there are no answers for.

She thanked me over and over. She said she felt so much better and that I had been really helpful.

All she needed was the truth. And the truth is: I don't know for sure but this is what I think.