my body is failing

So, last week I had the black death. I'm mostly serious. I had Strep and a respiratory infection. I had fever on and off for 3 days, and, at one point decided I was probably going to die on my couch. Dramatic? For sure.

Yesterday, just as I am back at 100%, I get a headache then the twinges of a sore throat begin again. Today, its worse. I have been monitoring my progress all day and I think it is fair to say that my immune system sucks. Big time.

I can't live this way.

It's all over for me.

*cough, cough* "It's the black lung pa."

meet you in the middle

I'm a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I meet with my 'little' once a week for an hour at her school. Today, I went for my weekly meeting and as I stood outside the classroom where I normally pick her up, her teacher walked up to me pretty aggressively.

She then launched into a rant about how my 'little' was stealing Sharpies from her and how my 'little' was a total disruption and a thief and a waste of my time.

Just then, my 'little' walked toward the classroom. The teacher then went inside the classroom, made a 'shoo' hand motion toward my 'little', and slammed the door.

Sigh.

I went to the library with my 'little' and she told me her half of the story, which, was a far cry from the teacher's story. In fact, it was the total opposite. Shocking.

The truth, I'm sure, is somewhere in the middle. I'm sure my little wasn't trying to steal Sharpies. I'm sure the teacher thought she was because of her past behavior. I'm sure that in one year no one will care about those Sharpies.

I'm also sure that pretty much everything I've heard in the past week -at work, at home, volunteering, even in my own head-is only one version of the truth. The real truth always seems to be buried under pride, miscommunications, fear, and struggle. The real truth is only available to those who want to listen and understand.

I wonder just how many conflicts and hurt feelings, how many misunderstandings and nights of anxiety could be allayed if everyone put others first, themselves second, and took just one minute to understand and trust.

ill smother you

I've always secretly prided myself on not needing praise, attention, cuddles, constant affirmation, or even a lot of time in relationships. I've always been the half of relationships that was cautious and easily smotherable (that's a word, I just decided.) My favorite phrases have been "I'm just really busy" and "Let's take a break", to name a few.

This week I realized I just never really cared about having any of those things before not necessarily because of me, but because of the people that were providing that attention. I just didn't need those affectionate (and time-consuming) relationships with people I knew, deep down, didn't have a place in my future.

Now that I find myself needing those things, I realize that it is because I need those things to make a future. I need those things because I can see a future. And that's scary and unbelievably wonderful all at the same time.

how old am i?

In 3rd grade I spent every recess digging a hole under an awning on the side of the school building. I dug that hole so deep that I could see under the foundation of the school, better yet, my little digging spot was secluded from everyone else. I wouldn't get picked last to play soccer, I wouldn't have my friends push me into boys, and no one would tease me about my clothes. I really liked my spot under that awning.

In May of 2008 I went back to that school and took a picture of my digging spot. It looks pretty much the same minus the huge hole. I feel pretty much the same as I did when I was in 3rd grade. I still think my clothes are awkward and I still sweat everytime I think I might get picked last. Although, the boy issue seems to have been resolved. Not having a mandated recess time eliminated that fear.

I thought, I guess, that when you grew up you knew how to do stuff and were automatically cool. I thought when I was an adult life would be easier--I wouldn't have to hide under an awning anymore. The surprise is really that I'm the same as I was when I was 7 only with responsibilites. The surprise was that at age 24, making a presentation to 200 lawyers, feeling sweaty and awkward, I would think about my digging spot and want it back.