now sit down

If you asked a random sampling of my closest friends what one word describes me, I'm sure that you'd get an equally as random group of responses. I expect they'd range from funny to annoying to totally ridiculous.

If you asked a random sampling of people whom I don't know particularly well to describe me in one word they'd probably say something along the spectrum of nice to ok. Which is fine.

Apparantly, if you asked one of my professors, he'd say, "Tough".

Today, we went to his house for class. We sat in the living room. We drank beer and Diet Dr. Pepper's. He rambled on about how basically he could do whatever because he was tenured. He talked about the injustices of our educational system. Then we moved to the kitchen to eat empanadas and gazpacho. After a while, I went to leave. I thanked him for having us and said it was nice. He said "I always want to talk to you. You're tough. I want to know why." I laughed and said I'd stop by office hours. I reminded him I've stopped by several times and he hasn't been there. He replied with "See, you are tough."

I'm not sure if tough is want I want to exude. I'm not even sure where tough comes from. I don't feel tough. I feel like the inside of a Valomilk.

That said, toughness isn't a real thing. It's an attitude. It's a philosophy. It's one that I subscribe to. The greatest gift I can give myself is toughness of mind, body, and spirit.

Not toughness like "Oh, hi, I'm Alix and I have an invisible shield of armor" tough but "Oh, hi, I'm Alix and I'm fine" tough. The sort of tough that speaks up when other people won't but knows when to not say a word. I'd like to be the sort of tough that doesn't let people off the hook for things that matter but lets unimportant things go.

I'd like to be the sort of tough that people call when family dies. I'd like to be the sort of tough that other soccer mom's (one day) are sort of intimidated by. "See, look at my awesome orange slices! Now sit down". I'd like to be tough enough to accept when I'm wrong and not back down when I'm not.

I'd like to be the sort of tough that knows how not to only cry alone. I'd like to be tough enough to walk away gracefully or in a blaze of glory. I'd like to be tough enough to challenge everyone always, even when they are challenging me.

And, from the comment today, it looks like I'm being tough without trying. Win.

Bring it on.