marrwage

Weddings are so fun. They are full of emotion and love and friendship and hope for the future and endless possibilities. It is a joyous occasion.

My friend Lori and my friend Bobby got married this weekend. It was glorious in every way. I was reunited with people I hadn't seen in years. I got to be a part of the biggest day of Lori and Bobby's life. I made new friends and re-confirmed old friends. And, I realized that my life is very different than I thought it would be.

I can remember laying in my bed at night in high school thinking about which colors would be better for bridesmaid's dresses. Butter cream yellow or sage green. I used to think about flowers and rings and cake. I used to think about father-daughter dance music and walking down the aisle on my dad's arm. I was sure that I'd be married around age 25 and would have a little house in the suburbs. I'd have a job where I got to wear a suit. And then, I'd quit, get pregnant, and live happily ever after.

Now, I'm almost 25. I don't even like sage green anymore. I don't have a father anymore. I don't like the suburbs. And, I don't wear a suit to work. I'm not even sure I'll have a wedding. I haven't browsed Bride's magazine since 2002.

I used to think you just married someone you met in high school or college. I didn't know that that wasn't how it always happened. I didn't realize the complexities of building a life with someone. I didn't know that people could stop loving each other. I didn't know that you could date lots of people and never find the right person. I didn't realize that parents can die before you get married. I didn't know that you can get your heart broken a thousand times. I didn't know I could get to a place where I would doubt if I would ever get married. I never thought I would think that maybe I shouldn't get married.

Weddings are not about the wedding. They are about a partnership, a commitment, and a agreement to go through life's total bullshit and total wonderfulness together. I guess that's why I don't think about my wedding anymore. Weddings stopped being a little girl fantasy and started meaning something very real and something that I don't have. No need to put the cart before the horse.

Congrats to Lori and Bobby on their partnership. On their real, wonderful, and beautiful partnership. I can't think of better people to build a life together. Oh, and on that nice wedding too.