Stop tilting your head.

Six people have told me that getting a title, registration sticker, and driver's license in the District of Columbia would be among the worst experiences of my life. I listened to someone talk about how his trip to the DMV was like being in Sarajevo in 1994. Another new resident told me that to get an inspection I basically had to sell my soul and do everything that no human can do. It's no surprise, then, that I waited almost two months to get a D.C. driver's license and register my car. This doesn't seem like a long time but in D.C. if you have out of state tags it's basically like you are violating parole. I received two warnings in 24 hours by the same officer in different parts of town. Officer Sanders and I were becoming fast friends.

Sigh. So, I decided to just make this happen. I made a spreadsheet with all the documents I needed. I double checked them. Triple checked. I put my warning violations in my window with an annoyed sign that said "GOING TO DMV TOMORROW. THANKS". I wish someone had added it to my collection on passiveaggressivenotes.com but to no avail--yet.


I went to bed at 10:30 and was up at 6:15. In the shower that morning I took some yogic breaths. I decided that I was only going to get mad if I waited longer than three hours. I reminded myself on the drive down that DMV workers were people too.


As I pulled up to the inspection station, a man wearing a uniform motioned for me to roll down my window. He greeted me "Hi! First time to the DMV?" I nodded and started pulling out paperwork in some sort of frenzied panic. He laughed and said "Where you from?" I explained that I just moved here from Texas. We then chatted about people being a rush here all the time and how they were meaner here. He asked me to say y'all in a sentence. I obliged. Then he said, "Well, hope you can bring that laid back attitude to D.C., pull forward, we'll be with ya in a minute. Here's my card. My name is Richard if you need anything." Richard flashed me a bright white smile.


I pulled forward, sort of stunned. I kind of wanted to keep hanging out with Richard and shooting the shit. Long story short, ten minutes later I was out of the inspection station with my paperwork, no problems, and a Dum-Dum sucker. Everyone was nice, professional, and ready to get me the F out of there, which I totally appreciated.


Around the corner, is the actual DMV. I parked and commenced standing in line in 30 degree weather for an hour and five minutes. I was fifth in line. As more and more people filed in line, I tried to decide who would survive if we were all in a survival situation (which wasn't THAT far off). I tried to figure out who would be my friends and who would get eaten first. I wondered if anyone else in line was thinking the same thing. I decided not. At 8:15 exactly the doors open and everyone floods in. I get called to have my paperwork reviewed in two minutes flat. Mr. DMV gatekeeper guy is impressed that I have all my documents. He doesn't even ask for half the stuff they (internets) said I needed. I make it to my final counter.


I wait patiently while second mr. dmv guys puts stuff in the computer and just looks at me when I need to pay. No words, just grunts and eye rolls. I get my picture taken for my license and the lady is yelling at me to stop tilting my head. I'm really not. We go back and forth. I'm moving my head in really tiny motions every way I can think of. I wonder if I'm dizzy and leaning, I wonder if this is a joke. I wonder if the floor is tilting. I think of Willy Wonka. Finally, I just say, "Mam, I think this is just how my head is." She snaps the picture.


In the next five minutes I'm back in my car on the way to work. With new plates, title, licesne, and normal blood pressure. I was only a little upset that people weren't more congratulatory of my achievement. I thought for sure I'd get a high five or something.


It was no big deal. Everyone was fine. I didn't get yelled at too bad. I wasn't told I had to come back with my first born. My expectations for service were SO low that just a normal experience was a reason to celebrate. Everyone hates the DMV because they don't have their act together. Over prepare and you are fine. People expect the DMV to be GOOD, friendly even. I expected to cry and possibly have to leave the city.


I mostly hate things because other people tell me it's awful. Expectations are the root of all heartbreak. How we think things are going to be is largely how we see them. It takes a lot for something I think is going to suck to not suck (thanks Richard). I'm going to stop listening to other people so much. But I won't stop tilting my head. Boom. Check it out


(Sorry folks, had to remove picture. It was coming up in google searches and had my address. Safety first! )