Do as I say, not as I do

A year or so ago, I was feeling very future focused. I thought for sure that I knew everything so I wrote down rules for my future daughter(s). (Creepy? Potentially). I came across the list a few weeks ago whilst cleaning out my old purse.

I thought I'd put them on the internet airwaves so one day, she'll have them. Or so everyone can think I'm a psycho. Either way.

1. Don't worry about squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom up. It's just not worth the effort.

2. You are prettier without makeup.

3. Don't do Kamkazi shots, ever.

4. Make him wait. A little.

5. Don't apologize for things that have nothing to do with you.

6. Don't qualify what you say with "I think or maybe I don't understand, but..." Just say it.

7. Have dessert. Then, work it off.

8. Learn to make one dish really, really well. Then, only make it if you love him. Only you'll know what it means.

9. Send cards not emails. Or texts. Or whatever you have by then.

10. If everyone else is drinking beer, don't order a margarita.

11. Get your pets from the pound. They are better animals.

12. Always carry some trail mix, Advil, and a tampon. Always.

13. Don't put the email address in the To: box until you are ready to send.

14. If you think he's lying; he probably is.

15. Don't play all your cards.

16. Don't slam your seat back on the airplane. It's so rude.

17. Always choose dare.

18. When someone asks what you do, don't say your job title. Make it interesting.

19. Keep a flashlight in your bedside table.

20. Wear whatever you want. Don't worry about it.

21. Don't be afraid to cut your hair. It's fine.

22. Get really good at Scrabble.

23. Don't cry at work. Ever.

24. Calculate the cost of clothing by cost per wear. If you wear it a lot, it's ok to spend more.

25. Have nice perfume.

26. Throw our underwear that aren't pretty. Only buy one's that are.

27. Check the weather.

28. It doesn't matter what you major in in college. It's all about ambition, baby.

29. Only buy art you love.

30. Buy the expensive olive oil. It's worth it.

31. If he doesn't get your jokes; leave.

32. Remember what it felt like to get asked to your first dance.

33. Forget what your first dance was like.

34. You are more than your job.

35. Don't put your mother in a gross nursing home that smells like urine.

36. Learn to hover and pee.

37. Get your oil changed regularly.

38. Learn to say no. And mean it.